July 16, 2008
A small group of atheists in New York City have found a safe forum to vent their frustrations and garner support for living outside the norm.
The New York City Atheists sponsor an "Atheist Lifestyle Discussion Group," which is currently attended by 15 to 16 individuals, and growing.
On the first Monday evening of each month, they gather in the apartment of NYC Atheist president Ken Bronstein to talk about their problems with work and family members and to listen for advice on how to deal with the thorny issues facing atheists and freethinkers in an overwhelmingly theistic society.
"A lot of people had problems that came from being raised in a household with religiosity," said Bronstein. There were common problems, such as telling your parents that you were an atheist, or difficulties at work."
The discussion group is free, but open only to NYC Atheist members. It has been up and running for about six months.
Bronstein told Humanist Network News that he got the idea for a support group after getting requests from fellow atheists who were having problems living an "atheist lifestyle."
What was originally a support group morphed into a discussion group that focuses on how to handle the complicated situations that some atheists face.
"Most solutions are just common sense," commented Bronstein. "Meetings are opened by asking, 'Is there anything anyone would like to discuss?' "
Although, group members follow the philosophy of "whatever you say here stays here" in the tradition of 12 Step programs such as Alcoholic Anonymous, Bronstein said that the comments are rarely that personal.
While it is not a therapy group, it is led by a clinical psychologist, Nando Pelusi, Ph.D., who practices cognitive behavior therapy from a philosophical and evolutionary perspective. Pelusi also writes a regular column on the nexus of evolutionary psychology and therapy in Psychology Today called "Neanderthink.
HNN requested an interview with Pelusi, hoping to get his point-of-view on the psychological state of atheists in the U.S. His responses follow:
HNN: As a psychologist, how much pressure/stress do you feel that atheists/humanists feel living among a primarily theistic society? Do you see this manifesting in the issues your clients bring to your practice?
NP: The effects of feeling marginalized are well known, and atheists are one of the most maligned and misunderstood groups. Firstly, we're not really a group, since we're as heterogeneous as the general population, and we're not all militant. I like a spirited debate, but on an individual level, I'm more interested in finding common ground than in talking people out of their untenable religious beliefs.
From a principled standpoint, I've seen studies suggesting that religious people are happier, but I remain skeptical, because very religious people value group approval much more than does the average nonbeliever, so I suspect that atheists are more honest about reporting what they feel and believe. A paradox is that lying to oneself, "self-deception," may confer emotional benefits from an evolutionary standpoint, so if religious people get comfort by being included in the larger group, that's fine. However, the atheist requires more honest self-analysis, and that may be a burden for some.
HNN: What function do you feel the "atheist lifestyle discussion group" performs? It is interesting that living in a huge metropolis such NYC, folks still feel the need for support around their beliefs. I can only imagine that the situation would be worse in smaller cities and rural areas.
NP: This group is experimental, and it is still evolving, and each meeting has had a different tone and purpose. So far, the main function it serves is a meeting ground where individuals have sought feedback for some of their general frustrations; it is also a place where nonbelievers exchange ideas for solutions. Religious people have ready-made regular meetings with "fellowship," and "study group," but atheists usually keep private, and find little solace among groups, religious or otherwise.
HNN: You spent some time with the Jehovah's Witnesses as a child. What was that experience like and how did it shape your religious and non-religious beliefs?
NP: My grandmother came from Italy with my mother and her sisters, and they knew no one, and spoke little English. The Jehovah's Witnesses were very friendly and brilliant at recruiting people and getting the recruiters to indoctrinate themselves -- so I grew up within that framework. I was raised mostly by Witnesses and their friends, although I never got baptized.
Mostly, they were very nice people, but when it came to the slightest hint of questioning any premise they grew increasingly vague and scrambled to find some scripture somewhere to amorphously answer any questions. After puberty, I got dissatisfied, but it was difficult to extricate myself at first, because I grew up with crazy stories of demons, a tempting Satan, a God who loved me but was very judgmental and angry at times, the conflicting stories of Jesus, the pressures to not be part of "The World," and the looming destruction of Armageddon.
It's quite a story, and from a psychological point of view, quite gripping, since it involves the most basic human impulses: Survival, danger, fear of group disapproval, in-group/out-group, struggle, and sacrifice.
One benefit of getting out is seeing that belief systems are subtle and interlocking, and hard to change. It's one reason I'm a psychologist, and a cognitive-behavioral one at that: I deal with people's deeply held convictions and try to establish guidelines for beliefs, including the scientific method, falsifiability, and logic.
HNN: Are you finding that atheists are primarily angry about the imposition of religion in their lives, or depressed, frustrated, etc.? How do you help them handle their anger and deal with their other emotions?
NP: I work to get people to quit blaming others, even when others are deliberately frustrating you. Atheists have bad PR in this country, and Ken (Bronstein), Jane (Everhart), and others organizing this group are trying to get the word out about the pitfalls of religiosity, and liberation that comes from disbelief in the eyeball in the sky.
HNN: Any practical tips on "coming out" at work or to your family?
NP: In general, I'd recommend working on overcoming a fear of conflict. Some conflict can be good! Other people may get hostile, or rejecting, but you don't have to. The key thing to remember is that you can stand it, and that debate often clarifies your own thinking. Lively and friendly debate can sharpen your own ideas about what exactly is wrong with (a) the other person's proposition, but most importantly, (b) your own! I'm actually one of the few people now at airports who have a ball debating anyone with a religious pamphlet!
Editor's Note: For online support, visit Secular Lifestyle Forum hosted by the Internet Infidels Discussion Board. Our Sweet Reason column, written by Molleen Matsumura, is another source for advice about the conundrums of the atheist/humanist lifestyle.
