Feb. 14, 2007
Back in the Aug. 9, 2006 issue of Humanist Network News I wrote an article entitled "The State of Secular Singles" that detailed my findings on secular singleness. I based my conclusions on a (admittedly unscientific) survey of the travails and successes that HNN readers endured or enjoyed in their continuing or successfully terminated search for love without god.
The main conclusions I drew were that
- while it is not easy to meet freethinkers, most still-single secularists are optimistic about their future chances of finding love;
- while there are few online dating services targeted specifically to freethinkers, many have found success with non-targeted services that allow users to specify (non)religious status;
- many potential partners do not realize that they are freethinkers, or simply identify themselves of a particular persuasion by default, so do not give up on someone who identifies herself as Catholic because she had Communion at 16 (and hasn't been to church since);
- if you decide to pursue a relationship with someone who identifies with a particular religion, recognize that the degree of his religiosity, and not the religion itself, is the important factor –- you many be able to tolerate a vague belief in god but not someone who denies evolution;
- even if someone professes no allegiance to a particular religion, beware other irrational beliefs (such as astrology); and
- many people are initially reluctant to profess their non-belief, so do not casually dismiss romantic prospects if they do not openly avow that they are freethinkers.
First, an update. While only five months have elapsed since my article, I believe there has been a significant change in the secular single landscape. While only one site specifically for single freethinkers has emerged since then (in addition to the two, Free Thinker Match and Secularity, that I referred to in my previous article), I believe it shows promise.
Freethinker Finder, which is currently in its beta version, was developed by Reginald Finley, AKA the Infidel Guy. The problem this site faces is the same as the other two sites -- critical mass. If more of us sign up, others will be encouraged to sign up, and these sites could rival metasites like Match.com in their freethinker love success rate.
While the freethinker "infrastructure" has not changed much since August, a more important though intangible change has occurred. I believe it is demonstrated by the public embrace of notable freethinkers, in particular Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris, and the election of politicians to the United States Congress who hold views more in tune with us humanists.
I believe both these changes are not only reducing the stigma a conservative U.S. society and Congress had previously placed on freethinkers but are also encouraging freethinkers to come out of the closet; if a respected scientist can describe religion as a form of child abuse (as Dawkins has done), why can't a citizen of a free country state that god has no place in politics or love?
So this is the challenge I pose to HNN readers: firmly but respectfully pronounce your nonbelief to those important to you in the public and private sphere. Just as you would let your elected representatives know that religion has no place in politics, make potential romantic partners aware of your nonbelief. I don't mean you have to scream it; simply identify yourself as a freethinker from the get-go, whether it's by not being afraid to choose your correct (non)religious status on a dating site or answering truthfully when a date asks you if you believe in god.
I believe that by being honest, we will open the floodgates. If others see that you're a proud freethinker who's not afraid to profess her nonbelief, they may overcome their fear of professing their own nonbelief, realize that they are heretofore unidentified freethinkers or they may simply begin to question beliefs they had never reflected upon before. If more freethinkers come out of the closet, we will find it easier to find others who share our worldview, whether for friendship or romance. Then not only will we find freethinkers on dating websites but also at work, school and even at the local bar.
If your New Year's resolution is to find secular love, it's up to you to increase your chances of romantic success. Spread the word that you're a freethinker, and you'll find like attracts like -- and love attracts love.
Elaine Friedman is the editor of Humanist Network News, the weekly e-zine of the Institute for Humanist Studies.
